Screaming with my mouth tightly closed

Um, so I don't have any idea how many people frequent this blog now that my European experiences are over for now. I just want to "warn" anyone who does still read this to understand that what I'm now posting is something I've only shared with a few people very close to me, and why I'm choosing to put this online now is merely due to the fact that I feel like something inside me might explode from trying to act as though this isn't something happening to me. I don't even care if that doesn't make sense. Just please, don't bring this topic up in my presence unless I've already talked about it with you or you do so privately, through email or something. Nothing makes me feel more vulnerable than this. I equate it with appearing in the nude before a huge crowd, where you can see the weird moles, flabby areas, and that roll around my middle that I loathe.

So I'm in Chicago right now. I'm giving up my final week of summer vacation to come to a conference called Catholics on Call. It's supposed to be for young adult Catholics who are trying to find some direction in their lives in various ministries throughout the Church. This can include lay and religious ministries. Even though I can't believe I'm saying this, I came here because I need a friend who's thinking about the religious side of it. Yup. Me. God, you can't imagine how much I don't want to think about this. I've been able to keep it inside for the most part and not think about it too frequently for 9 years, but I'm 27 now. So many people I know have found their forever person or at least are out there looking at my age. I can't look for a guy with much enthusiasm because I have this other burden I'm carrying around. And the worst part? The worst part is that I don't know one single other fucking person in the world who seems to be going through this, too, that I can talk to. I came here to Chicago purely in hopes to be in a group of people who could say they feel this agonizing struggle, too. But I'm in a small group of people based not on their reasons for coming to this conference but on age. Yes, I'm in a small group that happens to be the oldest people at this conference. It is so weird to be the oldest at a young adult conference. My point, though, is that I still feel alone here! I know there are other people, male and female, who came here for reasons similar to mine; why am I not in a group with them? Finding a friend or at least a supportive group who can empathize with my feelings is THE reason I am here. I'm not here to learn how to pray or what discernment is; I'm trying to find a way to deal with the questions, anxieties, and relentless "call" that I feel. I want someone to show me what they're doing; I want someone who is screaming the same questions I scream. How can I ever become comfortable with the idea of a religious vocation anywhere outside of my imagination? How can I be this "sister" and not flinch at the very sound of it? I mean, I've never wanted to do this. Look around at the religious sisters you usually see. Can't you just tell they're sisters by looking at them? They all have that haircut with glasses and godawful clothes and shoes. Shallow? I don't care. They pledge away their lives in service to others, which sometimes appeals to me, but they don't get to have their own families. Can I do that? HOW?

Coming to this conference was something I thought would make me feel safe in finally finding a place to discuss all this crap. But I don't. I feel withdrawn and tired. Why is this five days long? Why am I here? Is it worth sticking out, or should I go home and prepare for the start of school? I don't want to quit. I believe there is a reason, but I sure could use a little bit of connection with someone, a little bit of seeing the purpose for my presence here. Right now I just want to run away.