Frivols

I think that's a word anyway.

So I've been busy packing tonight, after I was finally able to drag myself away from school after conferences. Somehow, even though I didn't get to school till noon, staying there till 8:30 felt like a full day plus. But the conferences proceeded really well, or at least I think they did.

Now that my packing is done (I think anyway), I find I need to unwind my brain a bit. It churns furiously when I'm preparing to travel some place b/c I'm desperately trying to not forget anything. In the interest of saving some money and in proving to myself that I can still pack relatively lightly (and in the interest of using it again), I'm using the backpack I purchased for my trip to Europe. If I can make it through three countries and two weeks of travel with two bags, I can surely do it for 5 days--especially since I can mooch off my family's stuff, too. But still, I worry that I'm forgetting something important. Or more importantly, something expensive.

Also on my list of minor decisions to make by morning is whether or not to take the book I began last night. It's entitled The Secret History of the Pink Carnation. It has an intriguing plot, but it's so generically chic lit and cutesy that I feel like I do when all I eat is sugar--a little sick to my stomach and needing something more substantial. Of course, I still need to finish Bill Bryson. I've been plugging away at it; almost there now. But back to the Pink C--well, even though the author is a Yale grad and a Harvard PhD student, does that really make it worth reading? Do good vocab choices merit worth when the characters are almost ridiculously simplistic. i.e. Guy and girl run into each other, exchange heated conversations that in reality barely cover up their throbbing attraction to each other. They think they hate each other, but find themselves daydreaming endlessly of one another and wondering why it bothers them to imagine that the other seems to dislike them. Gross. I think I liked stories like that in middle school. Maybe high school too. But now I'd like a little more . . .adult action and less junior high stuff.

Well, I must be to bed.

blooms in the dying time

Wow. It is absolutely phenomenal how one's life swings in different directions so swiftly. Last week at this time I was mourning the fact that I wouldn't see my family for Thanksgiving. Now not only am I getting to fly home via help from my "thanksgiving angel," but I felt the warmth of loving friends all around me tonight.

First, my TA. Last Monday I had my writing class and shared very briefly my disappointment in being unable to go home. Tuesday morning I had an email from a lady in my small writing group asking very politely "If you don't mind me asking, is the reason you're not going home for Thanksgiving because of money?" As I didn't really mind her asking (knowing what I do know about her, she's not a nosy woman), I admitted yes. Her reply, "Well, I know this will sound odd, and I'll give you the essay answer why if you want, but I really want and need to offer you $500 to help you get a plane ticket home. No repayment necessary."

Come again?? Really? You want to just randomly give me money? Why? But in my heart, I kind of knew why. However, even with that amount, should I decide to accept it, I couldn't make it home to Amarillo still. It's more like $800 to get there.

So as I often do when I have a crazy story, I call KC. To my utter astonishment, her response is less of a "no way . . .too bad it still costs so much." It was more of a "Oh, that's so crazy! I was looking up flights for you, and I found one for $440 to Lubbock," which is about 1 1/2 hours from my home. I don't know if you believe in signs, but I felt like this might be one that I should go home. As for the reason why, I have no idea. It just seemed too coincidental to have this offer for a plane ticket and an affordable way to get home all in same day and not have it mean something.

So I accepted the money. I know I don't deserve it, but I guess that's part of what makes it so special . . .the sheer grace of it all.

And not to detract from my angel moment, but just my writing class in general tonight. I felt so incredibly, unexpectedly blessed again to have so many people there to support me. Karen, Tess, Leah, and Ryleigh drove me down, and Alison and Chereia joined us soon after. I think everyone was pretty amazed to see so many people come . . .I just felt honored. I felt such admiration for the women and the words and again, such a joy in getting to be a part of a class like that. And such gratitude for having friends who care.

I feel like I've been embraced by Love.

just to reassure you

really, i'm not as nuts as my last entry might make you think. really, i was just agitated to the extreme. then i write about it, and walah--i feel quite a bit better.

the fall of my discontent

i am, for lack of a better word, very unsettled today. (so warning: this is volatile.)

i blame a little of it on my friend suzanne, who brought up the idea that my friend phil may ask me on a date. tonight i hung out with phil. i really like him. he's a great guy, a great friend. but i don't want to date him. i really don't want to date anyone; i don't want to worry about that, and i don't want people to bother me about it, either. just be my friend and leave me alone! lol.

truly, suzanne, if for some reason you read this, i'm not angry or anything; just agitated.

anyway. then i had a very frustrating conversation with my mother. i love my mother, truly i do. but she will always, ALWAYS put concern for finances before any emotional sentiment. for example, today i call home b/c i haven't heard from anyone for several days. i ask my dad if he has any thoughts about thanksgiving; is there any way i can get there to visit? he sorrowfully tells me that he doesn't think that will work, but that all of my family plan on trying to drive up on the 18th of dec, get here on the 19th, spend a few days with me in ohio, and then drive me home with them for the actual Christmas day. then i can fly back to ohio later. i try to look on the bright side of things: a lot of time with my family, and kc is home, so it will actually be fun.

then i talk to my mom. she doesn't call me anymore, so i always have to specifically ask for her. i ask her about this trip; has she gotten all her days off from work? then she proceeds to fumble through a very confusing question-and-answer with me until finally i get the gist of her message: she thinks it will just be a lot cheaper for me to get a roundtrip ticket home. hmm. so, mom, after dad leads to me believe that you guys will FINALLY be coming up to spend some time with me in ohio, in reality, i will ONCE AGAIN be footing the $500 + bill to fly home to spend my time with you guys because of course it is a million times cheaper to have me fly home as a single person than to you travel to me. yeah. i get it. same fucking story. different verse.

why is it so hard for people to come visit me here? i have no money, and yet, i'm ALWAYS the one who has to travel to see someone else. what is so fucking wrong me or ohio or whatever that no one bites the bullet for me, but if i want to see anyone, i have to suck it???????? i really don't get it. i don't. i don't. i don't.

and then. well. i wonder what the hell am i doing in oh? what possible purpose can there be for me to be here still? i feel like i have these tentative little roots here, but i can't fathom why because those roots seem to be growing nowhere fast.

i really hate when i feel this way. so negative. so angry. so . . .hurt. mom, why can't you just understand how your neverending focus on money concerns stabs me when it means you won't do everything you can to make a sacrifice for me? you won't sacrifice to come see me? why am i 27 and not married or a sister or something? why am i so pointless?

i wish i could just skip thanksgiving this year. maybe christmas, too. i wish i felt like i would be happy and fulfilled if i could live near my family like most other people do. i wish i had my own family, my own permanence. i wish i belonged somewhere.