the fall of my discontent

i am, for lack of a better word, very unsettled today. (so warning: this is volatile.)

i blame a little of it on my friend suzanne, who brought up the idea that my friend phil may ask me on a date. tonight i hung out with phil. i really like him. he's a great guy, a great friend. but i don't want to date him. i really don't want to date anyone; i don't want to worry about that, and i don't want people to bother me about it, either. just be my friend and leave me alone! lol.

truly, suzanne, if for some reason you read this, i'm not angry or anything; just agitated.

anyway. then i had a very frustrating conversation with my mother. i love my mother, truly i do. but she will always, ALWAYS put concern for finances before any emotional sentiment. for example, today i call home b/c i haven't heard from anyone for several days. i ask my dad if he has any thoughts about thanksgiving; is there any way i can get there to visit? he sorrowfully tells me that he doesn't think that will work, but that all of my family plan on trying to drive up on the 18th of dec, get here on the 19th, spend a few days with me in ohio, and then drive me home with them for the actual Christmas day. then i can fly back to ohio later. i try to look on the bright side of things: a lot of time with my family, and kc is home, so it will actually be fun.

then i talk to my mom. she doesn't call me anymore, so i always have to specifically ask for her. i ask her about this trip; has she gotten all her days off from work? then she proceeds to fumble through a very confusing question-and-answer with me until finally i get the gist of her message: she thinks it will just be a lot cheaper for me to get a roundtrip ticket home. hmm. so, mom, after dad leads to me believe that you guys will FINALLY be coming up to spend some time with me in ohio, in reality, i will ONCE AGAIN be footing the $500 + bill to fly home to spend my time with you guys because of course it is a million times cheaper to have me fly home as a single person than to you travel to me. yeah. i get it. same fucking story. different verse.

why is it so hard for people to come visit me here? i have no money, and yet, i'm ALWAYS the one who has to travel to see someone else. what is so fucking wrong me or ohio or whatever that no one bites the bullet for me, but if i want to see anyone, i have to suck it???????? i really don't get it. i don't. i don't. i don't.

and then. well. i wonder what the hell am i doing in oh? what possible purpose can there be for me to be here still? i feel like i have these tentative little roots here, but i can't fathom why because those roots seem to be growing nowhere fast.

i really hate when i feel this way. so negative. so angry. so . . .hurt. mom, why can't you just understand how your neverending focus on money concerns stabs me when it means you won't do everything you can to make a sacrifice for me? you won't sacrifice to come see me? why am i 27 and not married or a sister or something? why am i so pointless?

i wish i could just skip thanksgiving this year. maybe christmas, too. i wish i felt like i would be happy and fulfilled if i could live near my family like most other people do. i wish i had my own family, my own permanence. i wish i belonged somewhere.