waxing nostalgic

ever have one of those days (or weeks) when you really can't find any purpose for being where you are when you are there? when i was home visiting my family, i felt rather purposeless and thus wanted to be back in oh. now i'm in oh, and all i can think about is how much i miss my family. and it's not like i miss them because we do so many exciting things together, or i have the best time of my life with them. (not that i have bad times, but you know). it's more that i'm craving that connectedness that family gives you. for me, truly, they are the people i count on 100% of the time. they've disappointed and hurt me sometimes--whose family hasn't? but they have never, ever not been there for me or not loved me when i needed them to. they're the people i can assume with. what i mean by that is, think about holidays. don't we all just assume that we'll be with our families? or if something goes bad in our lives, like a job loss or a tragedy of some sort. it is our family that we turn to. you know, i love my friends. i truly do. i know i have been blessed with some truly exceptional people as friends. but i have to say, friends have never, ever been there for me the way my family has. and that is why i think family will always mean more to me than friendship in so many ways. it seems like everytime i've found a friend who feels like family, i move or that person moves, or so and so gets married, or some other normal life event. and i know those are normal life events, and they need to happen. i don't wish to stop life from occurring. but every time a major event occurs, something in that friendship is lost or changed forever. and i'll be honest, sometimes i grieve for what was lost. because then i have to go back and find a new friend until something comes along and changes that, too. so in my life, it seems that friendship is in so many ways something i can't count on forever in the same way i can count on my family. and i guess i'm just feeling the lack of that constancy in my life because my family is so very far away from me. it's been my choice to stay here, in oh, so far from them. i do love so much about living here. i feel strong and confident in a way i've never felt in tx. but i don't feel the same love here, the same sense of absolute trust that no matter what, i can always rely on that same person or few people to just be there. is this what all single people feel? that lack of an anchor? how does one not just curl up with grief and give up? and is this all a sign that i should move back to tx? is that the way to resolve this sorrow i feel? this lack of rootedness? i just really don't know. i just don't know.

and any dear friends who might read this, please don't interpret my words as a slam against you, because that's not what i'm trying to say. anyone who still reads this thing is obviously a friend close to my heart (or voyeuristic!). this is just my way of working through my own shadows.