dontcha just know when you flip open your phone first thing in the morning and find 4 unread texts that they're probably not about something good? that was my first hunch this morning as it reminded me of three years ago when i had 6 missed phone calls first thing in the morning, all from my parents, who were trying to reach me to say that my mom had shattered her knee. well, my mom didn't shatter her knee this time. no, this time it was kc's oldest friend who had the crisis. erin, kc's oldest friend, is almost like an extension of our family. she's always been sweet to me-in fact, i was in her wedding a few summers ago. she's also been so faithful a friend to kc, despite dozens of moves as a small child. well, unfortunately, she's also struggled with varying drug addictions and enormous personal tragedies, including the death of her younger brother 5 years ago in a motorcycle accident. and now, i guess, she ODed on some sort of prescription meds and went off driving. someone found her in a parking lot, i think. kc spent last night in the ER with her as she got her stomach pumped.
i've known erin since she was a year old. i don't think i've ever seen anyone so bent on self-destruction as she is, and yet, she is a lovely person. so much goodness and beauty in her. but no peace. and i just ache thinking about it all.
Tuesday, April 13, 2010
Sunday, April 11, 2010
filling in the blanks
for those of you curious about my upcoming trip to israel, please read! this post is for you!
early last fall, my friend and vp janet told me that our school principal, brenda, attended a meeting that discussed sending teachers from the archdiocese of cincinnati to israel. she and brenda both thought of me when hearing about this trip. now, most people probably don't know this, but i've wanted to go to israel since sometime in high school. actually, i wanted to go there for easter of 2000, but i had no concept of how to go about doing something like that, so i didn't really even attempt it. sometimes my dreams are bigger than my abilities. however, it felt fortuitous to hear about this potential trip.
i was very unclear about what i needed to do to be considered for this trip for a long time. the only thing i knew for certain was that i needed to register for a workshop in november. did that. attended the workshop, where i learned that what we see in our media isn't very accurate of what goes on in israel for real. probably because our government is so pro-israel, we only hear about palestinians as people who threaten the security of israelis. at least, that's what i understood. however, i have been learning that there are a lot of distortions and information left out. for instance, most palestinians are very non-violent and have actually been forced off land that their families have owned for centuries by the israeli gov't. our gov't pays the israeli gov't about $10 million a day to use for whatever israel wants--no strings attached and no accountability required. what that comes down to is that we the american people are funding some of the injustice that occurs in israel. and the worst part is how children and innocent people are suffering. i just can't stand that.
so what i shall be doing is working with a group of educators from cincinnati and maybe a couple from cleveland. we are each raising some money at our schools to take with us to help palestinians schools, some of which are Christian, to get computers in those schools. then we will communicate with different staff from the school for a year to help them get resources to deal with the post traumatic stress disorder that the kids suffer from after being exposed to so much violence. of course, we will also be touring some holy places in israel.
i love the idea of being a part of something that is not only beneficial to me but also to someone else. it just breaks my heart to think that there are people treated so unfairly. i know our group won't change the problem, but maybe we can help alleviate it a little. so that's part of how i will spend my summer vacation;)
early last fall, my friend and vp janet told me that our school principal, brenda, attended a meeting that discussed sending teachers from the archdiocese of cincinnati to israel. she and brenda both thought of me when hearing about this trip. now, most people probably don't know this, but i've wanted to go to israel since sometime in high school. actually, i wanted to go there for easter of 2000, but i had no concept of how to go about doing something like that, so i didn't really even attempt it. sometimes my dreams are bigger than my abilities. however, it felt fortuitous to hear about this potential trip.
i was very unclear about what i needed to do to be considered for this trip for a long time. the only thing i knew for certain was that i needed to register for a workshop in november. did that. attended the workshop, where i learned that what we see in our media isn't very accurate of what goes on in israel for real. probably because our government is so pro-israel, we only hear about palestinians as people who threaten the security of israelis. at least, that's what i understood. however, i have been learning that there are a lot of distortions and information left out. for instance, most palestinians are very non-violent and have actually been forced off land that their families have owned for centuries by the israeli gov't. our gov't pays the israeli gov't about $10 million a day to use for whatever israel wants--no strings attached and no accountability required. what that comes down to is that we the american people are funding some of the injustice that occurs in israel. and the worst part is how children and innocent people are suffering. i just can't stand that.
so what i shall be doing is working with a group of educators from cincinnati and maybe a couple from cleveland. we are each raising some money at our schools to take with us to help palestinians schools, some of which are Christian, to get computers in those schools. then we will communicate with different staff from the school for a year to help them get resources to deal with the post traumatic stress disorder that the kids suffer from after being exposed to so much violence. of course, we will also be touring some holy places in israel.
i love the idea of being a part of something that is not only beneficial to me but also to someone else. it just breaks my heart to think that there are people treated so unfairly. i know our group won't change the problem, but maybe we can help alleviate it a little. so that's part of how i will spend my summer vacation;)
waxing nostalgic
ever have one of those days (or weeks) when you really can't find any purpose for being where you are when you are there? when i was home visiting my family, i felt rather purposeless and thus wanted to be back in oh. now i'm in oh, and all i can think about is how much i miss my family. and it's not like i miss them because we do so many exciting things together, or i have the best time of my life with them. (not that i have bad times, but you know). it's more that i'm craving that connectedness that family gives you. for me, truly, they are the people i count on 100% of the time. they've disappointed and hurt me sometimes--whose family hasn't? but they have never, ever not been there for me or not loved me when i needed them to. they're the people i can assume with. what i mean by that is, think about holidays. don't we all just assume that we'll be with our families? or if something goes bad in our lives, like a job loss or a tragedy of some sort. it is our family that we turn to. you know, i love my friends. i truly do. i know i have been blessed with some truly exceptional people as friends. but i have to say, friends have never, ever been there for me the way my family has. and that is why i think family will always mean more to me than friendship in so many ways. it seems like everytime i've found a friend who feels like family, i move or that person moves, or so and so gets married, or some other normal life event. and i know those are normal life events, and they need to happen. i don't wish to stop life from occurring. but every time a major event occurs, something in that friendship is lost or changed forever. and i'll be honest, sometimes i grieve for what was lost. because then i have to go back and find a new friend until something comes along and changes that, too. so in my life, it seems that friendship is in so many ways something i can't count on forever in the same way i can count on my family. and i guess i'm just feeling the lack of that constancy in my life because my family is so very far away from me. it's been my choice to stay here, in oh, so far from them. i do love so much about living here. i feel strong and confident in a way i've never felt in tx. but i don't feel the same love here, the same sense of absolute trust that no matter what, i can always rely on that same person or few people to just be there. is this what all single people feel? that lack of an anchor? how does one not just curl up with grief and give up? and is this all a sign that i should move back to tx? is that the way to resolve this sorrow i feel? this lack of rootedness? i just really don't know. i just don't know.
and any dear friends who might read this, please don't interpret my words as a slam against you, because that's not what i'm trying to say. anyone who still reads this thing is obviously a friend close to my heart (or voyeuristic!). this is just my way of working through my own shadows.
and any dear friends who might read this, please don't interpret my words as a slam against you, because that's not what i'm trying to say. anyone who still reads this thing is obviously a friend close to my heart (or voyeuristic!). this is just my way of working through my own shadows.
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